Yesterday was my 38th birthday and the fam really spoiled the heck out of me. I got flowers and drawings and earrings and this bitchen’ handmade ukulele from Celentano Woodworks, which I’ve been coveting for six months. And T was a gem all day, which is probably coincidental, but I’ll take it.

I’m not usually a big fan of my birthday. It’s not about getting older, exactly. It’s more some inexplicable darkness that seeps in under the doors and around the windows. I’ve spent plenty of b-days in bed. But that was when I got to do things like stay in bed all day.

I’ve since learned that it’s common for adoptees to not like birthdays. When I read that, it made perfect sense. I was finally able to put my finger on that specific birthday darkness I get- it’s loss. A deep, body memory of loss. I came upon that because I was researching T’s adoption, not my own. And once again, the effort I put into Tariku winds up helping me in ways I could never have imagined.

And yesterday, for some reason I didn’t succumb to feeling blue. It washed over me at times during the day, but it passed. We all went to Zuma beach in the late afternoon and I felt kind of serene, in fact. This is how many years I’ve been on the planet. This is what that looks like on my face. This is what I have to show for it.

I can’t always see it. I don’t always feel it. But I’m doing just fine.

8 Responses to 'Birthday'

  1. Katie P. says:

    aww Happy (belated) Birthday!
    and that uke is pretty freakin’ sweet!

  2. Carol says:

    Doing just fine? – I should say so!!! Look at those AMAZING pics and all that love… yay!!! Happy, happy!

  3. Beautiful! Happy (belated) birthday!

  4. Jillian, this is beautiful and fascinating. I’m glad you had a good birthday. And I also adore the uke!

  5. Mindy says:

    The pics are BEAUTIFUL. For real. The last pic, especially, is my all time favorite. Frame it! Frame it! Frame it!

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