Here are the steps to a holiday card self-hate spiral…
1. Sometime around September, have a brilliant holiday card idea. Congratulate yourself for your infinite cleverness and creativity. Promptly forget about it in favor of Halloween preparations. Don’t worry- you have plenty of time.
2. Wait too long to execute whatever elaborate machinations said card requires until you wind up doing things like schlepping your family to the mall dressed like the Addams family and then waiting on line for 3 hours to see the mall Santa.
3. Ask some super stoned copy shop employees to help with the layout.
4. Beg your graphic designer friend to re-do the layout.
5. Now it’s December 20. Check the calender again. Yup- sure is. Pay for a rush printing job.
6. Lay out all the card-sending paraphernalia.
7. Begin feeling warm and fuzzy as you write out each address- enjoying the memories, the feeling of connection, the sense of pride in your still-sort-of-clever card.
8. Start to get depressed as you cross off all the friends and family members who don’t like you anymore.
9. How many more pages of addresses left to go? Start to get relieved as you cross off all the friends and family members who don’t like you anymore.
10. The hours wear on. You’re neglecting your child. You’ve ordered pizza for dinner two nights in a row. You have other things to do- like your job for instance. You swear to never do holiday cards ever again.
11. Walk the final stack down to the mailbox. So neat. So satisfying. But still, you’re never doing this again.
12. Let the coming months erase the pain until September rolls around again. See step 1.