This is my newly decorated living room. This is it. There is no couch. There is a rocking chair across the room, for exactly no one to sit in because the drums are so loud your ears would bleed. Jealous?

Why did I let this happen to my life, you ask? Did I hire my sixteen-year-old burnout nephew as a decorator and pay him in weed?

Let me tell you the saga of my couch.

Once upon a time, we had an expensive leather sofa bed from Restoration Hardware. Because I am a sensible gal, we got it off Craig’s List. When we took our truck to Venice Beach to pick it up, we found it weighed exactly 47,000 lbs.. While we were inside finding this out, we got a parking ticket. Then we had to go and hire two guys from the Home Depot parking lot to help us take it home and get it in the house. At this point, we may as well have bought a new couch.

I really enjoyed our expensive couch for exactly two months. We even had a house guest! A certain relative (hint: rhymes with shmother-in-shlaw) visited and slept on it and then proceeded to not be able to stand us for the following six years, but what the heck! At least we had a sofa bed.

One fine Saturday, the dogs ate the entire back of it.


Here they are, the little darlings. That is not the couch- that is the couch before the cursed couch. They ate that one, too. Do you want them?!? DM me.

But I am not easily thrown. I had it reupholstered by a very nice man who had to bring not one but three of his sons to move it.

I bought those weird plastic electrified shock mats to keep the dogs off it (go easy on the comments here PETA activists, at least I didn’t donate the dogs to science). But then I realized that we were living with plastic shock mats on our furniture and that is psychotic, so I took them off.

They ate it again. I had it reupholstered again. By this time, we may as well have bought a car. I put up dog doors to keep them out of the living room but those were such a pain that eventually we just started leaving a dog gate ON the couch, which made me not even want to look at the living room much less live in it.

They shoved the gate over and ate it again.


Magically, within one afternoon, the couch disappeared and my living room looked like this. It chafes a bit, but it has also been an instant party. The very night the cursed couch disappeared, there were four pre-schoolers rehearsing with their new band while I made dinner with ear plugs in. Je ne regrette rien. Fun is better than a couch any day.

4 thoughts on “Jealous?

  1. I was so happy the day I turned our formal dining room into an art room for our two little boys. Okay, one year old is a little young to be in front of an easel, but he dug the space for clay.

    If the dining room table was not one of those collapsible telescoping sorts I would have burned it in the backyard. I am always about sacrificing some of my adult life for a richer childhood. They aren’t going to be around that long. In fact, that art room is thirteen years ago and I really miss it.

    Of course, I would have reupholstered with the dogs’ skin the first time, but I am all about well-behaved pets. Not well behaved? Coyote food. Definitely no longer my pet.

    • I just love how you follow up the warm fuzzy parenting advice with the dog-skin upholstered couch. I’ll mention it to Scott and see what he thinks!

  2. You too? We live with a plastic drop cloth covering the new couch I just had to have. But no one can see it. Or sit on it. It’s pretty much useless. Stupid cats.

  3. Did I LOL whilst I read this? Depends are damp, you be the judge. Ask Scott about the dining room on Wetzler during Dad’s journey into his 30th year. This will pay big when the 5 year old gets his first “record” deal. Who knows, perhaps he will buy mom and dad a couch.

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