So what has been happening? New York happened. Back to school happened. We had a few weeks of major regression in T’s behavior and it led me to a dark place. We’re all clawing our way back out of it toward the light. Yesterday at yoga, the room suddenly seemed three times brighter, and I thought- I’m pulling the cobwebs from my eyes. It’s getting better.
It was partially due to parent fail. He’s been doing so well lately that I forget to keep the things in place that help his nervous system stay regulated. Things like lots of sleep and very regular food and plenty of time to calm down between activities. Scott and I subjected him to crazy fast transitions all summer long. Disney! Legoland! Pool parties! Beaches! Broadway shows! Coney Island! Sounds fab, right?
All that “fun” sounds good on paper- to him and to us both. And we did have moments of serious fun. For instance, taking him to The Lion King– his first Broadway show- was a moving experience for all of us. We had a blast with old friends in upstate New York. But overall, August was draining and worrisome. There were tantrums we haven’t seen the likes of for a year. When T’s nervous system gets out of whack, it can unravel not just his emotional well-being, but mine as well. I have to keep a close eye on my tendency to mirror him.
Tariku teaches me about courage all the time. He never stops trying. He loses his shit entirely and makes heroic recoveries nearly every day. He loves school, but it’s also a hard, long day for him. I watch him pin his shoulders back, take a breath and steel himself to enter that classroom every morning and I take a lesson from it.
I tell my students to write through the breakup, write through the parent death, write through the divorce, write through the depression, write through all of it. Just keep moving and creating. Emotionally volatile times can stir a lot of resistance. You know- I’m too busy feeling things, I can’t be bothered to write. That’s exactly when you need to sit down and let some words happen. There may not be any worthwhile product that comes out of it, but the process is gold. I also find that you think you’re going to remember the intense moments, but you’re so stoned on adrenaline that they don’t always stick. So it’s good to have a record.
I figure, I don’t always have some pithy bit of wisdom, but I always have my heart to share. I learned that from T. Even when you don’t have it figured out, just go in and play with all you’ve got.